The bible tells you how to fight the enemy but what do you do when it feels like it is God you’re up against?
Charlotte’s nightmare began at 2:32 AM, the morning she experienced the most unimaginable pain ever, the loss of a child.
Now, she finds herself angry at God. She trusted Him and He took her only child. She prayed to Him and it seems as if He has turned His back on her. And if things could not get worse, hell keeps showing up at her door.
What can she do, when she continually cries in the darkness but gets no answer? Where can she turn when it feels like her back is against the wall and there is no way out? Who can she depend on if God let her down?
Questions Charlotte ponder when the memories snatch her from her sleep at 2:32AM. Questions that make her angry because to her, God has forsaken them.2:32 AM by Lakisha Johnson
2:32AM – Charlotte’s Therapy Session
“How have you been since our last meeting?”
“In all honesty Dr. Mitchell, I don’t know how I am. One minute I think I am doing good and the next I’m crying uncontrollably.”“That is to be expected Charlotte. You suffered a major loss.”
“But when does it get better?”
“I wish I had the answer. In your moments of crying, what are you feeling?”
“Sometimes I feel like I want to close my eyes and never open them again.”
“As in suicide?”I nod.“When was the last time you had thoughts of harming yourself?”
“Last night or early this morning, the times are all running together.”“What stopped you?”
“I’m afraid to die. Even though this pain is sometimes unbearable, I am still afraid of death.”
“Why is that?”“I don’t know, maybe it is fear of the unknown.”
“Do you believe God has a plan for our lives?” She asks.“I do.”
“What do you believe your purpose is?”
“I haven’t figured it out yet. Since losing our baby, I feel empty.”
“Tell me about Micaela.”
I sigh, trying to stop the tears that want to leap from my soul. “She, um, she was born January fourth at 7:42pm. She was stubborn, like me, deciding she was coming on her own time.” I laugh. “She had dimples, the softest hair and the sweetest smell.”
“Do you have pictures of her?”
“I do but I haven’t looked at them since she died.”
“It’s too hard.”
Neither of us say anything so I break the silence.
“This morning, I was on the internet and I searched for the name of mothers who have lost children.”
“What did you find?”
“A lot of blogs on how to grieve and deal with the loss but nothing gives us a name.”
“Do you think you need one?”
“Of course. We should be called shells.”
“Because a definition of shell is an outer form without substance.”
“Why do you feel you have no substance? You’re alive with breath in your body, a heart and soul and in your right mind.”
“Yea but what is my purpose? What kind of substance do I have? I had a baby but she died so I’m no longer a mother.”
“What about being a wife?”
“A wife. Humph. Funny you should ask …”
Have you read 2:32 AM: Losing Faith in God?