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“Magnolia, aren’t you tired of being in this sunken place? Are you not tired of the voices that keep you up at night? Are you not exhausted from being chased?”
“YES!” I yell wiping tears from my face. “Yes Dr. Mitchell I am tired but I didn’t ask for this. These demons have been attached to my bloodline since before I was born. I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS!”
“I know you didn’t but don’t you want to break the cycle and destroy the generational curses?”
“How, huh? How am I supposed to break what I didn’t create? This mess started long before I was born and it has carried over from generation to generation.”
“But you have the ability to stop the cycle, if you want too.” She coolly says.
“What do you mean, if I want too? I’ve been trying and I don’t know what else to do Dr. Mitchell. I keep thinking about the dirty secrets of my past, trying to forgive myself and even forget but my life seems to be spiraling.” I pause and look at her. “And the nightmares are the worse.”
“Magnolia, you do realize your nightmares are coming from the thoughts in your mind, right?”
“Then tell me how to turn them off.”
“You have to forgive yourself. If not for you then do it for your daughter because we both know if you don’t stop, Kai will be sitting where you are, having this same conversation, in ten years.”
“No!” I shout sitting up. “She cannot go through this. She can’t.”
“Then what are you going to do to break this curse of addiction?”
“I am not an addict! I’m scared, there’s a difference.”
“Is there?” She asks. “Look, whether you want to believe me or not, you are definitely an addict. The only difference between you and your mother; her addiction was heroin, yours is fear and until you claim it and call it out, you’ll continually stay right here.”
“I’m trying.” I whisper.
“This isn’t trying dear; this is called positioning your mask. Truth is, you haven’t tried to break the cycle but you have gotten great at creating barriers.”
“Barriers were the thing I needed to survive.” I state, getting angry.
“And how has that worked for you so far? Hiding from your past will not stop what has tainted your bloodline. You have to face your fears head on or they’ll keep chasing you. Look Magnolia, you stand up before a congregation of people, Sunday after Sunday pretending to be this free woman but once the lights are off in the sanctuary, you go right back to your prison.” Dr. Mitchell says.
“That’s not true.”
“Then why are you here?”
I don’t say anything.
“Magnolia, I don’t care how well you can preach and teach the gospel; you will never be able to free someone else when you’re still in bondage. On the contrary, you’ll only draw people who can relate to your demons but at the end of the day, all of you will still be in captivity. Oh, but you preach well and the people will come back because you tickle what’s in them. However, serving God isn’t about babying the sheep, it’s about saving them.”
“Then why would God give me this anointing? Why would He call me to preach?”
“Because He designed the plans for your life, long before you were ever created.” Dr. Mitchell says. “God tells us that He knew us before we were formed in our mother’s belly. This lets me know He knew what you’d endure and the only reason you haven’t lost your mind is because He made you strong enough to overcome everything that tried to kill you.”
“Yea, well I don’t feel strong.”
“I get it and I know this is hard for you but–”
“You know?” I laugh, cutting her off. “No Dr. Mitchell, I don’t think you know how it feels to find your mother dead the day before your sixteenth birthday. I don’t think you know how it feels to be a child and hear people calling her an addict when I never saw the signs. I don’t think you know how it feels to wake up and be a motherless child or know the heaviness fear gives when I think of leaving my daughter the same way my mother left me. YOU DON’T KNOW!”
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